How to Boil an Egg With Children in the Room

How to Boil an Egg With Children in the Room

1.  Decide that you want to have a big salad for dinner.  One with sliced ham, turkey, cheddar, and diced eggs.

2.  Put two eggs in a small pot.  Cover eggs with cold water.

3.  Put pot with eggs and water on stove top and turn on burner to medium.

4.  Listen to your two boys argue back and forth.

5.  Yell at boys to knock it off.

6.  Help youngest child to clean up his room because the mess he made is so big he “just can’t do it all by himself.”

7.  Tell oldest to stop messing with the cat.

8.  Watch youngest and oldest use giant teddy bears to beat the crap out of each other.

9.  Tell oldest to take it easy, he is going to hurt his little brother.

10. See mail truck through the window.  Run outside to get the mail.

11.  Move out of way when youngest runs after you and launches himself right at you.

12.  Help youngest up off the ground and dry his tears with your shirt.

13.  Once back in the kitchen listen to oldest explain why it would be a good idea for him to have five of his friends sleep over at the same time.  Gently explain that in no way will that be happening any time soon.

14.  Help youngest to sweep up the cat food after he spills a whole cup of kibble all over the floor.

15.  Try to open and look at mail.

16.  Break up fight between boys because they are fighting over the remote control for the tv.

17.  Grab remote, put on a show they will both like, and then accidentally get sucked into watching the show with them.

18.  Stand up and wonder what that loud POP sound was.

19.  Look around room trying to figure out what just broke.

20.  Smell aroma of burning eggs and run to take them off the stove.

21.  Throw burning eggs into sink and run cold water on them.

22.  Realize that eggs are completely inedible.

23.  Start back at Step 2 but this time send kids to the family room to play video games and stay there!

Knee Surgery, OxyContin, BM’s and Orange is the New Black

Knee Surgery, OxyContin, BM's and Orange is the New Black

 

To the people who follow my little blog here I would like to say I am really sorry for being gone for so long.  In the beginning of May I learned that I was going to need knee replacement surgery.  I was grateful to get it.  I have had a bum knee for 10 years and it was only getting worse.  I had reached the stage where I had a permanent limp.

But, with that news came a whole list of things that needed to be done.  I had X-rays to take, pre-surgical evaluations that needed to be done, and walkers and canes to obtain.  More importantly, my surgery would take place on June 5th, but the last day of the school year was June 18th.  I needed several weeks worth of sub plans and to pack up my room yet leave it useable for the sub.  Next came the news that I would be teaching Kindergarten the following year so everything I was used to teaching was out the window and I would be doing something new, exciting, and yet a little terrifying at the same time.  These activities literally consumed all my time.

Then there was the actual knee surgery.  I have had several surgeries in the past year and thought this would be no big deal.  I mean, I had a bone fusion in February of 2012 with metal screws and severed tendons, this couldn’t be any worse than that…right?  Well, I don’t know if this was worse, but it was definitely just as bad.  In the hospital they gave me this wonderful shot called Toradol.  I got it every six hours.  It took away pain in less than ten minutes, but it also gave me the false impression that my knee hurt a lot less than it really did.

I was discharged Friday at 12:30 pm with my last lovely shot at 12:15 pm.  I had a prescription for OxyContin but I was sure I really wouldn’t need it.  I usually prefer to suffer through something with Motrin and Tylenol as opposed to being stoned.  Well, by 6:30 that evening I was sobbing uncontrollably with pain and the OxyContin wasn’t doing jack.  I was home alone because Bill and Casey had a T-ball game that night.  My hubby is the coach.  He had to go, plus he had a broken phone so I couldn’t even call him.

By 6:45 I was hurting so bad I almost called 911 to have them take me back to the hospital so I could get another shot!!  No joke.  Finally I got through to a doctor using the after hours on-call hotline.  He told me to take 2 OxyContin at a time with 800 mg of Ibuprofen every 4 hours.  I happily popped the pills without thinking twice.  This went on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and even Monday.  By Tuesday I was able to bring the OxyContin down to 1 pill every four hours but kept up the 800 mg of Motrin.

During all this time my stomach was a mess.  I was constantly nauseous and not eating much.  Once I was down to 1 pill at a time my brain began to shake off its fog and start working again.  It suddenly dawned on me that my stomach was really bloated and growing uncomfortable to touch.  Hmmm, when was the last time I had actually used the bathroom?  I remembered that I went the day before the surgery, which was the previous Wednesday.  I didn’t use it at all in the hospital.  I remember because they would asked me every couple of hours.  So if today was Tuesday and I last went on Wednesday that meant it had been 6 days since I had made a #2.  That was probably a bad thing.

No problem.  I grabbed two Fiber One Bars, a big glass of juice and waited for nature to take its course.  Tuesday night came and there was no hint of rumblings down below.  I ate half of a chocolate Ex Lax bar and cracked a few jokes on Facebook about my “situation”.

As I received responses to those posts I realized my “situation” was actually a really big deal. My instant message box was suddenly filled with “I went this long without pooping…” stories and one of them included the words, “If I hadn’t of gone when I did I could have died.” For that person it had been 9 days!

I got a little worried but not too much. Wednesday morning when there was still nothing happening I ate a few more Fiber One Bars. I was getting uncomfortable now. My stomach was sore to the touch.

A dear family friend recommended “The Bomb.” The Bomb is not to be taken lightly. It is Milk of Magnesia combined with large quantities of prune juice, preferably warmed prune juice.

Since I couldn’t drive I called my husband and informed him of what he needed to buy on the way home from work. It was currently about 9:00 in the morning and he would not be home until 5:30 pm. If I had been thinking more clearly I probably would have called someone else to go and get me the BOMB immediately, but I was still on pain meds and waited for him to do it.

The situation was getting grim by the time he got home. I chugged down 4 tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia which wasn’t that bad and then drank an entire glass of prune juice which was disgusting, so disgusting in fact, that I promptly threw up the whole concoction. I retook the 4 tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia and skipped the prune juice.

By 9:00 that night the first gurgling noises in a week emerged from my stomach. I went to the bathroom and waited…and waited…and waited. Nope.

Something did cross my mind while sitting there, however. That when I went it was going to hurt…a lot.  This thought was confirmed by more instant messages from friends and family members.  The words, “I screamed,” were repeated by three different people.  THREE!

Before bed I took another large does of Milk of Magnesia and said a prayer. At this point I was really conscious of the fact that if I didn’t go in the morning I was going to have to go to the hospital. The “situation” had become that serious.

Come morning there was a lot of cramps and rumbles of noise. Praise the lord I finally went. As for hurting, oh yes it did. It felt like giving birth all over again for lord knows I strained and pushed like I was delivering a seven pound baby. I was even doing the Hoo-hoo-he-he-hoo-hoo-he-he breathing techniques I learned in birthing class.  It would have been comical if it hadn’t of hurt so damn bad.

All in all it had been a hell of a week. One that I would not want to repeat. The one exception was Orange is the New Black. I had heard of the show and even seen it advertised on our Netflix account but never watched it.  I don’t usually have endless hours at my disposal for television.

Since my brain was too foggy to read or blog a Netflix marathon seemed perfect. Plus, unbeknownst to me, Season 2 had been released the same day I came home from the hospital. I had 26 awesome episodes that I watched in a marathon that lasted three days.

bnde5kwciaamognIf you have not seen it I won’t give away any spoilers but I will say you MUST watch it! The times I was home alone I watched on the big screen tv in the living room but when the children were home I put in my ear buds and watched it on my iPhone. The acting is some of the best you will see anywhere and it was so refreshing to see real looking women as opposed to a CW cast of all size 2 beauties. The stories are intense and incredibly well written. I have even since re-watched several of the better episodes twice now.

One observation I made watching the show was that the khaki uniforms and white thermal t-shirts looked really comfy. True, I was heavily drugged while watching, but still, there was this strange part of my head that said, “Yes, I would love a set of those.”

I enjoyed watching the shows so much that once I was able to read again I immediately purchased the book Orange is the New Black for my kindle and I am about ¾ of the way through it. There are many differences between the book and the show which has made the book just as enjoyable to read.

Now that life is calming down and I am not constantly stoned I have a whole bunch of posts swirling around in my head so updates will be coming soon. I am working on a post about feeding your family even while in the hospital, meals to have on hand for coming home from the hospital, what you truly need to take for an operation, and more.  Please check back often!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Even Douche Bags Have a Right to Privacy

Even Douche Bags Have a Right to Privacy

Don Sterling is a douche bag. This is a fact where there is no room for dispute. Evidence of his douche baggery has been around for years on public occasions. There has been charges, hush money, slutty girl friends, etc. I do not weep for Don Sterling or feel an ounce of sympathy for the […]

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Crap I Don’t Want to Hear Anymore

Crap I Don't Want to Hear Anymore

I am sure none of this will come as a surprise to any mom out there, especially a working mom who spends all day at one job, just to walk in the door and start her “other” full time job. So here is a list of all the crap I am sick to death of […]

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Tired Mommy Survival Skills: Get Your Girl On

Breakfast at Tiffany's

    You haven’t had a real nights sleep in god knows when. There is currently a Cheerio in your hair and stains on your shirt. The children are making so much noise that you may very well lose your mind. It is at this moment you can’t remember why you had kids in the […]

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You Might be a Mom Blogger if…

You Might be a Mom Blogger if...

All Mom Bloggers share a lot of common traits.  Here are some ways to know when you have graduated from just getting started to full Mom Blogger status.   You might be a Mom Blogger if you have your iPhone camera on at all times because any second your child is going to do something cute, […]

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‘Are Your Children Vaccinated?’ Is the New ‘Do You Have a Gun in the House?’

Featured Image -- 20277

Originally posted on TIME:
I try not to judge other parents. If you want your whole family to sleep together in one giant bed, it is none of my concern. If you feel like breastfeeding your kid until he’s in junior high school, go for it. If you don’t want to or can’t breastfeed, hey,…

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Tired Mommy Survival Trick: How to Fake Clean Hair

Crown Curls 3

Let’s face it, once you become a mom, your personal grooming takes a hit. I remember when I had my first baby I could not for the life of me figure out when I was supposed to take a shower. If I am supposed to sleep when the baby slept, then I couldn’t take a […]

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You Might Be a Working Mommy if…

3 bottles

  I’ve always been a fan of Jeff Foxworthy and his line of “You Might be a Redneck if,” jokes. Well, I’m not a redneck, though I am descended from a whole bunch of them, but I am a mommy. So I thought I would come up with my own line of “You Might Be” […]

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There Goes the Last Shreds of My Dignity

There Goes the Last Shreds of My Dignity

Well, good-bye.  It was nice knowing you while it lasted and I am very sorry you have to leave in such a rush.  Maybe one day you can come back and we can pretend this whole awful moment was just a bad dream.  Oh, no?  Well, that’s okay.  I understand.  Really I do. That was […]

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