The ABC’s of Being a Working Mom

The ABC's of Being a Working Mom


The ABC’s of Being a Working Mom


A is for alarm clock. A maniacal task master that controls your life.

B is for bed, the place you want to be more than any where else but your children refuse to go!

C is for chauffeur. Between sports, band, karate, cub scouts, and piano lessons you will be schlepping your little darlings all over town for years.

D is for dinner, a meal that you have to cook every damn day because your husband refuses to eat Cheerios for dinner.

E is for energy, something you have very little of these days.

F is for Facebook. You are so busy managing your children’s schedules that this is the only form of communication you have anymore with anyone you don’t actually work with.

G is for garage. This is the place where you can’t park your car because it is filled with over sized toys, multiple bicycles, and sporting equipment.

H is for happy. It’s a crazy life, but really, you wouldn’t change a thing. Well, maybe just one or two things.

I is for iPhone. This is the small device that you use to control every aspect of your life. Loss of this object can result in uncontrolled panic and anxiety.

J is for juggle.  You have more balls in the air than Bozo the Clown but you are careful to not let any of them fall…ever.

K is for keys. Damn it, where did they go this time! I’m going to be late!!

L is for Lego. These little pieces of creative play will soon consume every room in your entire house and no matter how many you buy your child will still want more.

M is for milk. Seriously how can I buy four gallons a week and we still run out???

N is for nuthouse, which is your current residence, and you gave birth to your fellow inmates.

O is for occupation. Sure, it pays the bills as well as your child’s private piano lessons, but you are quite sure you would be a better mom if you didn’t have one. If not better than at least calmer.

P is for purse, and ever since you had kids you now only carry industrial sized ones to hold all the crap you need at any given moment.

Q is for quiet. This is something you long for but have not experienced since giving birth.

R is for run. This is what you do the minute your feet hit the floor and you don’t stop until the children are in bed for the night.

S is for sick. You can always count on one of your children waking up sick in the middle of the night on a day that you absolutely, positively can not miss work.

T is for toilet. This is the one place in your house where you can actually have ten minutes to surf the net on your phone and decompress. Sure, you pants are at your ankles and you lost sensation in your rear end five minutes ago, but the door has a lock so you aren’t getting up any time soon.

U is for uneventful. The best days now are the ones where you actually get to stay home all day wearing your pajamas and not putting on a bra.

V is for vodka. Sometimes you don’t even bother waiting for 5:00. There is no shame in admitting that.

W is for wrinkle cream. You suddenly find yourself slathering this stuff on your face every night.

X is for Xanax. These little magic pills keep the anxiety attacks away when work, school, and family obligations collide and your brain goes into maximum overdrive.

Y is for yo-yo, which is the perfect word to describe your ever changing emotions. Is it PMS? Menopause? The constant stress? Who knows, but you can go from happy as a clam to I’ll rip your face off in 0.6 seconds with just one flippant remark from your teenager.

Z is for Zoloft. When Xanax isn’t enough your gynecologist will write you a script for these.
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Yes, Mommy Loves You…Now Please Be Quiet

Yes Mommy Loves You Now Be Quiet

Yes, Mommy Loves You…Now Please Be Quiet

Boys, can you keep it down, I’m trying to grade papers. Seriously, I need you to keep it down! What? What do you need to tell me now? Oh, your friend Charlie drove the teacher nuts today? Wow, you don’t say. Sarah picked her nose and put it on Jackson. That’s fascinating. No, I didn’t roll my eyes, really that was fascinating. I really don’t want to hear about how Tyler accidentally rolled over on his new baby sister. I need to finish grading these papers. I have a lot of work to do. Mommy loves you, but will you please be quiet.

You hit 17 out of 30 balls at the batting cages. Awesome! Can we talk about this after I finish cooking dinner? I’m glad you think your new baseball bat, the one that cost a $100, is the reason why you are hitting so much better this year. Yes, I know your bat is blue and Jessie’s is yellow. Yes, I have seen them. I saw them at your frist practice and I saw them at the field cleanup. I already know that dad said no to the cleats. You really don’t need them. I know you think they are cool but you don’t need them. No, you really don’t have to explain it to me again. I remember from the first four times you explained it. Yes, I remember seeing the baseball bat that was $539 at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I was there, too. Now why don’t you go outside and toss some balls to your big brother. Yes, mommy loves you too…now go outside.

I know all your friends have iPhones. No, you may not have one. Why? Because you already have an iPod. I really don’t want to have this conversation again. If you need to make a phone call while you are at school you can go to the office, or borrow one of your friend’s phones since apparently they all seem to have one. Just out of curiosity when was the last time you tried to call me while you were at school? That’s right, never. No, I am done talking about this. I told you, if you get a part time job and can pay for your share of the bill then you can have an iPhone, but until then stop asking. Yes, I know, I am mean. I’m the meanest mom in the whole world. Now go away!

What on earth is all that yelling about? The neighbors can hear you all the way down the block. I’m on the phone and I need you to keep it down. Wait, why is your brother tied to a tree? Stop picking on him just because he is smaller than you. I mean it, let your brother loose. No, I’m not yelling at you, I’m yelling at your big brother. Why are you crying? I said I’m not mad at you. Okay, okay, stop crying. Oh dear lord, I need a drink.

Boys! Stop all that screaming. If you don’t be quiet right this second I swear I will ground you both from video games for a month! I don’t care if he hit you in the head with a Thor hammer. I don’t care if you hit him because he broke your Lego set. Life isn’t fair. Get over it!

That’s it. So help me god if you two don’t get into those beds by the time I count to three I will make you both sleep outside on the deck. I won’t even care if you get eaten by a coyote. One, TWO…I mean it…I’m counting to three!

Please tell me this isn’t just my house. Seriously!
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