Are You Stuck in a Mommy Style Rut?

Are You Stuck in a Mommy Style Rut

I distinctly remember having a conversation with my friend Suzie back in September about how I felt like Tina the person didn’t seem to exist anymore, only Tina the mom, Tina the cook, Tina the maid, Tina the teacher. I love my family, I love doing things for my family, I even love being a teacher, but somewhere there had to be more, there had to be something to look forward to, something just for me. I thought I was speaking selfishly until she nodded her head up and down and said she knew exactly what I was talking about, which made me feel better since I wasn’t sure I knew exactly what I was talking about. I knew I was feeling something but it was hard to put it into words. Was it my hormones? Was it a mid-life crisis? Was I just depressed? Was I stuck in a mommy rut?

So, for the past few months I have been on a mission to reclaim me. Initially it started with something as simple as buying myself some Boxycharm and Fabfitfun subscription boxes to try out new products and spoil myself a little. Then it led to getting my bottom layers cut off of my hair so I could start to grow it long like it used to be. Next came subscribing to a few new magazines that were about restoring and finding yourself again.

One day in mid-November I was searching for spoilers on Google for the December Boxycharm box when up popped a link to YouTube videos with people unboxing their boxes. I couldn’t wait to see what I was going to get in my next box so I clicked the link. This one little action opened up the world of YouTubers to me. Initially I was just watching unboxing videos and seeing if there were any other subscriptions I might want to join. Then, I saw a video for recreating a smoky eye, or a review of the best concealers at the drugstore.

In the months that have followed since I have discovered several awesome YouTubers that I actually look forward to watching. Most of these women are in their mid-twenties, which oddly I like, because they are still excited with life. Remember your twenties? Back when you went out to eat several times a week. Back when your “baby” had four legs and fur. Back when you didn’t feel the need to justify the expense of buying new clothes or shoes or paying for a night out at the movies. Back when you could pack a bag on a moment’s notice and go out of town for a three day weekend.

I have tried watching several mom vloggers on YouTube and honestly, I just don’t enjoy them as much. They post vids on healthy meals, grocery shopping hauls, buying organic, school issues, and I find these videos are just too close to my real life. I like the escapism that comes from watching a vlog on YouTube. The videos are usually 5-15 minutes long, which I can usually watch on my iPhone while folding a basket of laundry or putting my make-up on in the morning.

Plus, you wouldn’t think that someone in their 40’s would be inspired or learn something from someone in their 20’s but I really have. I have become much more adventurous with make-up, a lot more knowledgeable, tried new products I had never heard of, and this month when I went shopping for a new summer wardrobe to take to Florida I bought items I wouldn’t usually buy, but I did buy them and I love them.

Here is a list of some great YouTube Beauty Channels you might want to check out. None of them are endorsing this post. I have never contacted any of them, but I eagerly await their new videos.

Essie Button

Lily Pebbles

Ingrid Nilsen

Amelia Liana

Tanya Burr

Vivianna Does Makeup

Jessica Murphy

Fleur DeForce

Many of these ladies have a secondary vlog on YouTube as well showing their personal life, their favorite shops, their fur babies, and more, which you can connect to from the pages I posted above. Also, many of them are British or living in England which also helps me to vicariously fill a life long dream of mine.

Anyway, check them out and let me know if you liked any of them!
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Children…My Life…My Passion…and the Reason I Take Zoloft

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI was 23 when I became a teacher. Fresh from college and eager to change the world by helping one child at a time. I was 29 when I became a mom and took a year off to raise my little boy. After that year was over I returned to teaching. I was 35 when I had baby number 2. This time I took two years off to be a stay at home mom, and would have taken a third if it had been possible. What shocked me was how much harder it was being a mom to two instead of one.

Perhaps it was because I was older, perhaps it was because suddenly the mommy stuff was never ending, or perhaps it was because I was newly married, newly relocated, and just had one to many changes in a short amount of time.Kisses

As hard as I worked the two years I was a stay at home mom though were nothing compared to when I finally returned to teaching. Just because I returned to the classroom didn’t mean that all that mommy stuff went away. Laundry still needed to be done, cleaning taken care of, dinner cooked, quality time given to my boys, quality time given to my husband, making time to visit a sick parent. I was at my wits end. I remember standing in front of the stove cooking dinner as tears rolled down my face because I was so tired.

Part of it is me. I want things to be perfect always, whether it is at home or at work. Part of it really is my situation. I basically do the kid thing 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. My job and my home life are just too much alike sometimes.

But I had to acknowledge one more factor that I really didn’t want to face. I am not a spring chicken anymore. I am now forty and like it or not, my hormones were starting to get a little wonky. Can we say “premenopausal?” Yep, it was definitely a factor.

When you teach first grade patience is literally the #1 job requirement and I used to have it in spades. The past two years, however, I noticed that I was becoming more and more stressed out. At first I thought that I had just taken on too many responsibilities. I was on the fund-raising committee, the reading committee, and the carnival committee, as well as that full time teaching gig and motherhood thing. So of course I had a full blown hyperventilation panic attack one March morning just as the children were entering the building. I was burned out, over worked, and NOT medicated. Although a trip to the doctor’s office that March day fixed that problem. One bottle of Xanax with two refills coming right up.

The following September I decided I needed to take better care of myself. So I quit all the committees and just focused on the job and home. Things would get better, right? Wrong. I was still stressed, and now, I was easily angered by little things. My heart would race all day and I constantly felt like I was in “Fight or Flight” mode. I left work completely exhausted, and then when I got home I had no energy left for my own kids. All I wanted my boys to do was go away and leave me alone. I started to realize that the problem I had wasn’t a job problem. The problem was me. I was broken and didn’t even recognize the person I had become anymore. I finally realized that I needed help.

I scheduled a visit to see my OB/GYN. After a very long office visit where I talked about everything that was going on with me she confirmed what I was already suspecting. I was indeed in the early stages of menopause and my hormones were steadily driving me crazy.

She started me on a low dose of Zoloft which ended up getting increased just once. After a while I started to notice a difference. I still felt angry at times, but the anger didn’t control me. I was able to take a deep breathe and respond in an appropriate way. The same was true at home. I could now give my boys the quality time they needed and not feel resentful.

I don’t feel ashamed to admit that I needed a prescription. I know a lot of people would just say to suck it up and deal, but that strategy had stopped working for me and I was seriously going to have a heart attack if I didn’t find a way to calm down and get control of my emotions. If taking a little blue pill helps me to cope and be a better mom then I will do it.

I would love to hear from other moms, especially older moms who are also dealing with this situation. How are you battling your menopause?

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