When Will Science Invent a Pill That Will Make My Uterus Shrivel Up and Die?


My baby making days are over.  I repeat my baby making days are over!!  To make sure this is a true statement my husband even went to the doctor and had the BIG V done.  That’s right, snip, snip baby!  Two quick snips and a week of holding an ice pack to his nuts ensured us that there would be no more “holy shit I think I’m fucking pregnant” false alarms.

I have to say, though, that I never thought I would still have a uterus at this point in my life.  Every female relative I have on my mom’s side of the family, from my grandmother, to my aunt, to even second and third cousins, all lost their uterus by the age of forty.  Apparently my mama’s family line is just really amazing when it comes to growing non-cancerous grapefruit sized tumors.

This fact would probably alarm and worry most women out there, but since I have been aware of it forever, I actually sort of began to look at that time period as something of a relief.  One routine surgery and I would be done with tampons, maxi pads, liners, etc., etc.

So a year ago when I went to the gynecologist I was a little bit more than blown away when she announced I had a perfectly healthy uterus.  That was the last thing I wanted to hear, especially since my time of the month wasn’t slowing down like all my friends were.  Every one I knew who was my age was suddenly having the gift of going a month or two without a period.  Not me.  Every twenty-eight days to the minute.  In fact, mine were getting heavier and more painful each month.  That just didn’t seem fair!

So my gynecologist scheduled for me something called an oblation.  Basically they burn the inside of your uterus and create “scar tissue” which then stops or significantly reduces future menstruation.  It was supposed to be a simple procedure that would take less than an hour.  I was told I could return to work the very next day.  My reply, “Whoo Hoo!  Sign me up.”

So a month later my hubby drove me to the hospital to have my simple procedure done.  I started to realize this might not be as simple has I had been led to believe when I was handed a bottle of 30 Vicodin, 30 Tylenol Three, and 30 800mg Ibuprofen tablets.  That was a shit load of serious pain meds for my simple procedure.

Later that night I was glad to have it as my lower abdomen hurt like hell.  I experienced very sharp pains that reminded me of being in labor.  The next day I did not go to work.  I was still suffering some intense cramping.  However, if this was going to alleviate the curse of my monthly cycles it would be worth it.

So the next month when I started my cycle right on time I was a bit pissed.  Then when it carried on for an entire week as usual I was even more pissed.  Apparently my healthy ass uterus is so strong that even a layer of scar tissue isn’t enough to stop my bodies desire to reproduce, even if I personally have no more desire to reproduce.

So now the options are to accept the status quo for another 8-10 years, take year round birth-control pills, or have a hysterectomy.  I don’t do well on the pill.  I am one of the few people in the world who has side effects from it.

My doctor is open-minded to performing the surgery even though my uterus is perfectly healthy.  I am the one who has doubts.  I have a pretty high pain threshold.  I’ve had rheumatoid arthritis for 20 years, birthed two babies, and have had multiple foot surgeries.  But this time around, I am not sure if I want to endure a lot of pain when my body doesn’t actually require me to do so.

So again, I ask the question, if scientist can figure out a way to send people into space, and clone woolly mammoths using 30,000 year old blood, can’t they work on something a hell of a lot more practical?  Like say a pill that can help a woman all done with making babies shed her uterus like a snake sheds its skin?  Is that really too much to ask for?

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