The Proper Way to Wipe Your Butt

The Proper Way to Wipe Your Butt

Call it what you will; rear, fanny, derrière, buttocks, ass, arse, backside, bum, buns, can, hindquarters, hind end, keister, posterior, rear end, trunk, the bottom line is everyone has a butt and you are going to spend a good part of your life keeping it clean. Just one quick wipe is not enough. Trust me, I have sons. I wash their underwear. Some of them have been so disgusting that I won’t even put them in my machine, I just toss them away.

I have talked to friends and coworkers about this (I know this will traumatize my boys one day when they read this post when they are older, but since I am going to be paying for therapy bills anyway, I might as well get my money’s worth.) As I was saying, after lengthy discussions with many moms, I have learned that this seems to be a problem for the male species only. Apparently girls are really good butt wipers.

So boys and young men every where please pin this little post for future reference. You will thank me because one day you will have a significant other in your life. Believe me, when your life partner reaches into your pile of dirty clothes to kindly do your laundry, they do not want to stick in their thumb and pull out a brown plum! Double gross!!

So what is a boy to do when they make a poo?

First of all, it is not necessary to sit their and smell your own stink. Poo gas travels and the longer it floats in the bowl, the farther the stink goes. So please do a courtesy flush. Trust me, this is the one time in your life when it is not necessary to save water.

After you are done dropping you log it is time to wipe. My recommendation is 6-8 squares depending on brand and whether it is one or two ply. Be aware that the drain of the toilet does have a maximum diameter so a wad the size of a head of lettuce is going to leave you standing there with an embarrassing predicament.

Another rule of thumb is to keep wiping until the paper comes away clean. If this happens on the second wipe, awesome. If it doesn’t happen until the fourth, oh well. However, because of that maximum drain diameter being smaller than you think you must at all times follow a second simple rule.

Wipe, wipe, flush. Wipe, wipe, flush.

By the time two wads of TP are in the bowl you are already nearing maximum capacity. Again, this is not the time to worry about water usage. If you overflow the bowl at your girlfriends house and suddenly there is a poopie floating across the floor the shame you will experience will far outweigh any water waste guilt you might feel for doing a triple flusher.

Then, before you pull up those boxers, if you are still worried that there might be a little smear in your rear it is time to use the ultimate weapon, the crème de la crème of poop removal tools, the flushable wet wipes. Yes, they are cold since they are sitting on the back of the porcelain thrown, but they are guaranteed to leave your rear end clean and fresh, and save you the terrible shame of having underwear with back tracks.

So remember:

*1. Courtesy Flush.

*2. Wipe until the paper comes away clean.

*3. Wipe, wipe, flush.

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Will You Please Put Your $hit Away!!

To my husband, who I love dearly, just incase you didn’t know, we have now moved into a bigger house, and I organized the living hell out of it.  There is a hat rack in the mud room.  You walk past it every time you come in the house.  So will you PLEASE stop leaving your hats on the kitchen counter, the backs of the chairs and on the buffet table?


I do not want to look at smelly underwear when I am about to brush my teeth.

Also, there is a clothes hamper in the bathroom.  You see it every time you go in there.  So why is your dirty underwear on the bathroom sink every damn day?  Seriously!  Furthermore, when you peel off your stinky socks please do not deposit them in the living room floor and leave them there.

To my oldest son, if you pee, flush the toilet.  If you poop PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FLUSH THE TOILET.  There is a toothbrush holder on the bathroom sink.  I bought it just for you, so you would stop leaving you foamy brush on the sink top and thus get blue foamy spit everywhere.  Yet you continue to put your toothbrush on the sink, two inches AWAY from the damn holder.  Knock it off!!!


Please take note of the laundry basket that is just inches away from dirty clothes on floor.

Also, there is a laundry basket in the floor of your closet for dirty clothes.  When you undress just wad it up in a ball and chuck it in the direction of your closet and I will be happy.  Stop stuffing them under the bed and inside the toy box.

Also, if you continue to leave food crumbs all over the house you will be banned from eating inside and will eat on the deck year round.  I am sick to death of sweeping the floor twice a day because you can’t eat over a table and get the food to your mouth without dropping half of it.


I love that Legos stimulate creativity, but I am sick and tired of cleaning them up.

To my youngest, if you keep leaving your Legos all over the floor don’t come crying to me when I vacuum the damn things up.  I am done picking up twenty teeny tiny little itty bitty pieces of plastic from the floor every time I need to vacuum, which is practically daily since I live with three slobs.


Come on!! The rack is right there!! I MEAN RIGHT THERE!!!!

To all three of the men in my life, WE BOUGHT A SHOE RACK!  I put the damn thing together myself and it is right next to the fucking door.  If I trip over one more shoe because you are too lazy to pick them up and put them on the rack that is right next to you so help me god I am going to pick up those shoes and pitch them right out the window!!  Then when you need them you can go outside barefoot to retrieve them.

Sincerely, the pissed off Type A, organized, neat freak who lives with the three of you and who is about to totally lose her shit!


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