Just for Today I Will be Mad at the Universe

universe mad Corect

I’m not a Doctor, but I play one on TV.  Remember those commercials, back when soap opera actors would go on TV and tell you that Advil worked better than Tylenol?

Well, I have a confession to make.  I am not a snarky, fuck you, in your face, wine guzzling bitch.  I just play one on Facebook.  Am I a mom?  Oh yes.  Do I work?  Yep!  Am I tired?  All the freaking time.  Do I drink wine?  Certainly, just not every single night.  I’d be a raging alcoholic too drunk to type if that were the case.

The only part of me that is a bit of a charade is the bitch part.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am actually nice, generous, loving, and trusting to a fault.  If you are my friend you will be my friend through thick and thin and I will give you unending trust.  Yes, I have been burned from this philosophy several times, but I can’t seemed to learn my lesson because at the end of the day I want to believe people are good and aren’t out to get me.

I must admit though, there is a part of me that likes being a snarky bitch, so maybe that is why it is so easy to play one on Facebook and my Blog! 😉

But today I don’t feel snarky, or bitchy.  Today is a day for feeling angry.  Not angry at one particular person, but just angry at the world…the universe…the unfairness that is life as we know it.

In a perfect world only evil, rotten, sons-of-bitches would get chronic, debilitating or deadly diseases.  All pedophiles would get testicular cancer and their junk would fall off.  All murderers would contract the most vicious and painful of diseases that resulted in them dying a slow and grisly death.

At the very least Wall Street bankers who swindle senior citizens out of their entire life savings would get uncontrollable herpes or something.  Isn’t Karma supposed to be the ultimate bitch?  Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of cosmic justice in the universe?

But what is the phrase we hear over and over about the people we know who are cruel, mean, and down right evil?  “He/She is just too ornery to die.”  It’s true.  Most of the really cruel people I have known in my life have lived into their 80’s or 90’s and kept on being mean shits right till the very end.  There is a relative on my husband’s side of the family who I swear will live to be a hundred and when she finally goes her own children will dance on her grave!

But Karma sometimes falls asleep and forgets to do her job.  And illness and disease just don’t care who they pick on.  I was 20 years old when I got the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I was in terrible pain at the time and scared to death.  I was told I either had RA or Lupus, since when you test positive for one you also test positive for the other.  It took six months of tracking my symptoms to finally rule one way or the other.

Exactly what had I done by the age of 20 that was so bad I had earned a chronic disease to deal with for the rest of my life?  Heck, at 20 I was still a virgin (seriously), had never tried drugs, had yet to even smoke a damn cigarette.  I was a straight A college student just getting ready to take on the world.  But the world decided to kick me in the ass.

For 22 years I have lived with pain.  Most days I can ignore the pain and stop it from interfering with my day to day activities, but there are days when my body just shuts down on me and I have to accept the fact that I can’t just go, go, go.  Every month I miss a day of work so I can sit in a chair and get my IV of Remicade.   Every night I pop a handful of pills to keep the disease from progressing.  But at the end of the day RA is not curable, just treatable.

There was a brief period of whining. “Why me, God?”  But then I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and proceeded to live my life, get married, have babies, and be happy.  I was not going to let my diagnosis ruin my life.  I was going to live like it didn’t matter.  Sure, there are a few things I can’t do, but so what.  Maybe I didn’t want to do those things anyway.  I chose happiness over anger.  I chose love over regret.  I have no desire to live like I’m dying.

So why then, am I angry at the universe today, you may ask?  Today I learned that someone very sweet, very kind, a good friend and a good mother is sick.  But she is strong and she will fight her battle and she will win I know.  I believe this to be so.  Still, it’s that damn Karma thing!  Why do good people get sick?  Why do innocents suffer?  Why can any crack head or drug addict get pregnant yet people who would make wonderful parents struggle with infertility?  Why is the world so unfair at times?

These are big questions that have been asked by people a hell of a lot wiser and older than me, yet I would really like a freaking answer. But since the universe refuses to tell me what I want to know, just for today I will pout.  Just for today, I will have a pity party for one.  Just for today I will be mad at the universe.

But tomorrow I will pick myself up and dust myself off, because life really is too short for living in anger.  There are hugs that need to be given and kisses that need to be shared, and dreams that need to be fulfilled before our time here runs out and it is too late.

Important Stuff My Boys Need to Know

Important Stuff PinableOver the years I plan to teach my children many, many things, but below are some pretty important things I plan to make sure they know because I am going to repeat myself over and over again until they hear these words in their sleep.  It’s important stuff whether they are in middle school, high school, or living in their first apartment.fart1

  1. 1.  Not Everyone Thinks Potty Humor is Funny

My house is the hang out house, so it is often bursting with boys of multiple ages.  Boys LOVE to fart and burp as often and as loudly as possible.  They make smelly competitions out of it.  I will teach my boys once those oh so wonderful hormones kick in that girls are not fans of potty humor, and if you fart or burp the ABC’s while hanging with the girl of your dreams odds are she won’t be your girl for long.  Also, don’t even think of doing that shit when you are with grandma and grandpa or in church unless you want to be grounded from video games for a year.

2.  Any  YouTube video with the title EPIC FAIL is Not a Stunt to be Repeated

I have watched many of these videos online with my boys and all I can say is the vast majority of people getting hit in the crotch or busting through the roof of the house because they tried to ski down the side are almost always high school and college age boys.  These videos have convinced me that boys left to their own devices are totally and utterly stupid, and when I listen to my husband talk about the stunts they did when he was in his fraternity it only confirms this belief.  I am using these videos as a teachable moment.  “Look at that idiot.  It’s all fun and games until someone puts a bottle rocket up his ass and lights it on fire.  Don’t ever do what he is doing!”

3.  Change Your Underwear Everyday

Boys could care less if they wore the same underwear for a week.  The underwear could be making “snap, crackle and popping” noises and they wouldn’t bat an eye.  There is nothing cool about walking around smelling like ass.  Further, if your underwear has holes in it then throw it away!  I have learned over the years from fathers, brothers, husbands, and children that guys will wear underwear even if it is being held together by two threads.  Honestly, underpants are not that expensive.  Buy some new ones.

 4.  They sell more at Supermarkets Than Just Beer and Ramen Noodles

I take my kids to the market often.  I have been teaching my oldest for the past two years how to clip coupons and use a sales paper.  My boys will hopefully have enough shopping skills one day to avoid eating ramen noodles seven days a week while in college or living on their own.

kids-cooking-images5.  There is More to Cooking Than Just Boiling Water

If you are intelligent enough to figure out how to solve a video game and unlock all the secrets, you have more than enough brains to fry an egg, make pasta dishes and bake a boxed cake mix.  If nothing else women think men who cook are awesome, so maybe the promise of getting a girl will be motivation enough for them to embrace an apron.

6.  To Use a Condom…Every Single Time

I am not so stupid as to believe my boys will wear a promise ring and abstain from sex until their wedding day.  Teens have sex.  As much as the thought of my boys someday being ravaged by some sweet talking evil little hussy (yes that is an exaggeration done on purpose), teenage boys do a great deal of their thinking using there lower head and raging hormones.  I will supply him with box after box of condoms if he will just not make me a grandmother before he finishes high school…or college for that matter.

teen girl baby7.  Babies Have Become the New It Accessory

Girls these days seem to want babies.  Teen Mom and the celebrities gracing Us Weekly have made babies the latest accessory to have.  Girls seem to want babies like I want new shoes, and girls can be very manipulative.  I don’t care if she tells you she is on the pill, or completely infertile for whatever reason.  USE A CONDOM.  Plus, most venereal diseases are for life.

 8.  Call Me if You Get Fall Down Drunk

Just like sex, teens will drink alcohol at every available opportunity.  I know my friends and I sure did back in high school.  While I wish he wouldn’t get drunk at all it is more important to me that he gets home safe.  I won’t even yell at him the next day, but he will be responsible for cleaning any puke he gets in my car or the bathroom.

9.  Please Be a Gentleman

Too many kids today think nothing of watching crimes take place and recording it to upload to Facebook.  My boys will be told again and again, if you see someone in trouble, or a drunk girl about to be abused, instead of using your cell phone to record a video, use it to call for help.

What lessons do you want your boys to learn before they become men?


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