The Proper Way to Wipe Your Butt

The Proper Way to Wipe Your Butt

Call it what you will; rear, fanny, derrière, buttocks, ass, arse, backside, bum, buns, can, hindquarters, hind end, keister, posterior, rear end, trunk, the bottom line is everyone has a butt and you are going to spend a good part of your life keeping it clean. Just one quick wipe is not enough. Trust me, I have sons. I wash their underwear. Some of them have been so disgusting that I won’t even put them in my machine, I just toss them away.

I have talked to friends and coworkers about this (I know this will traumatize my boys one day when they read this post when they are older, but since I am going to be paying for therapy bills anyway, I might as well get my money’s worth.) As I was saying, after lengthy discussions with many moms, I have learned that this seems to be a problem for the male species only. Apparently girls are really good butt wipers.

So boys and young men every where please pin this little post for future reference. You will thank me because one day you will have a significant other in your life. Believe me, when your life partner reaches into your pile of dirty clothes to kindly do your laundry, they do not want to stick in their thumb and pull out a brown plum! Double gross!!

So what is a boy to do when they make a poo?

First of all, it is not necessary to sit their and smell your own stink. Poo gas travels and the longer it floats in the bowl, the farther the stink goes. So please do a courtesy flush. Trust me, this is the one time in your life when it is not necessary to save water.

After you are done dropping you log it is time to wipe. My recommendation is 6-8 squares depending on brand and whether it is one or two ply. Be aware that the drain of the toilet does have a maximum diameter so a wad the size of a head of lettuce is going to leave you standing there with an embarrassing predicament.

Another rule of thumb is to keep wiping until the paper comes away clean. If this happens on the second wipe, awesome. If it doesn’t happen until the fourth, oh well. However, because of that maximum drain diameter being smaller than you think you must at all times follow a second simple rule.

Wipe, wipe, flush. Wipe, wipe, flush.

By the time two wads of TP are in the bowl you are already nearing maximum capacity. Again, this is not the time to worry about water usage. If you overflow the bowl at your girlfriends house and suddenly there is a poopie floating across the floor the shame you will experience will far outweigh any water waste guilt you might feel for doing a triple flusher.

Then, before you pull up those boxers, if you are still worried that there might be a little smear in your rear it is time to use the ultimate weapon, the crème de la crème of poop removal tools, the flushable wet wipes. Yes, they are cold since they are sitting on the back of the porcelain thrown, but they are guaranteed to leave your rear end clean and fresh, and save you the terrible shame of having underwear with back tracks.

So remember:

*1. Courtesy Flush.

*2. Wipe until the paper comes away clean.

*3. Wipe, wipe, flush.

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