I Just Want to Pee

I Just Want to Pee

I have noticed lately that I have had several, okay more than several, near misses of almost wetting my pants.  Am I stuck in traffic?  No.  Am I out on the town and can’t find a restroom?  No.  I am inside my own house, and yet I am almost ready to pee my pants several times a week.

That’s crazy, right?  I mean, what the heck, go to the bathroom, shut the door, and take care of business.  Yet, if you are a mom, you know that it is not always that easy.  Here’s an example.

I am standing at the fridge picking out the ingredients for dinner.  My brain politely informs me that I will need to use the bathroom shortly.  Keep selecting ingredients.

Drop ingredients on the counter and run to the basement to see why one of my boys is suddenly screaming.  Separate wrestling boys, comfort the crier, go back up stairs and pick up ingredients that rolled off counter and onto the floor.

As I place the carrots on the counter the washer machine timer goes off.  Duck into the laundry room to put clothes from the washer into the dryer.

Now is a good time to go to the bathroom.  As I turn towards the bathroom I am cut off by the boys who each duck into a bathroom.  Okay, no problem.

I chop onions, peel carrots, and get chicken in the frying pan.  Now I am standing in front of the stove with one skillet and two pots a going.  I really need to go to the bathroom.

Hurry to the bathroom.  Oh sweet Jesus!  What the hell is that?  Never mind, I don’t want to know.  Grab the toilet bowl cleaner and the scrubber and scrub toilet sparkling clean.  Put cleaning items away.

Just as I am about to shut the door my youngest yells out that he needs me.  He is in a panic because he can’t find one of his new Batman Lego’s wings.  Spend five minutes searching the floor and bed.  Eureka, it was stuck between the mattress and the side of the bed.  I’m the hero who just saved the day.

AJ can’t find his iPod.  I tell him exactly where it is.  He says “Its not there.”  I say “Yes it is.”  He counters with a “No its not.”  I march though the house, pick up the iPod that was exactly where I told him it was, he grins sheepishly, and mumbles, “Thanks.”

Oh shit!  Is that smoke.  Crap…I forgot about dinner!!  Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!

Run back to the kitchen.  The chicken is black on the bottom and stuck to the pan.  All the water boiled out of the carrots and they are scorched.  Take chicken out of skillet, cut away the burnt parts, save what is left.

Toss out the carrots, they are beyond hope.  Take out second bag of carrots to start all over.  While peeling carrots realize that I am actually doing the potty dance like one of my second graders.

Finally I put the carrot down, race for the bathroom, ignore the oldest as he tries to ask for my help yet again, slam and lock the bathroom door, yank down my pants in total desperation, and breathe a sigh of relief as I FINALLY get to pee mere moments before I had an accident.

Seriously, does this happen to you or am I just completely losing my mind?

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Will You Please Put Your $hit Away!!

To my husband, who I love dearly, just incase you didn’t know, we have now moved into a bigger house, and I organized the living hell out of it.  There is a hat rack in the mud room.  You walk past it every time you come in the house.  So will you PLEASE stop leaving your hats on the kitchen counter, the backs of the chairs and on the buffet table?


I do not want to look at smelly underwear when I am about to brush my teeth.

Also, there is a clothes hamper in the bathroom.  You see it every time you go in there.  So why is your dirty underwear on the bathroom sink every damn day?  Seriously!  Furthermore, when you peel off your stinky socks please do not deposit them in the living room floor and leave them there.

To my oldest son, if you pee, flush the toilet.  If you poop PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FLUSH THE TOILET.  There is a toothbrush holder on the bathroom sink.  I bought it just for you, so you would stop leaving you foamy brush on the sink top and thus get blue foamy spit everywhere.  Yet you continue to put your toothbrush on the sink, two inches AWAY from the damn holder.  Knock it off!!!


Please take note of the laundry basket that is just inches away from dirty clothes on floor.

Also, there is a laundry basket in the floor of your closet for dirty clothes.  When you undress just wad it up in a ball and chuck it in the direction of your closet and I will be happy.  Stop stuffing them under the bed and inside the toy box.

Also, if you continue to leave food crumbs all over the house you will be banned from eating inside and will eat on the deck year round.  I am sick to death of sweeping the floor twice a day because you can’t eat over a table and get the food to your mouth without dropping half of it.


I love that Legos stimulate creativity, but I am sick and tired of cleaning them up.

To my youngest, if you keep leaving your Legos all over the floor don’t come crying to me when I vacuum the damn things up.  I am done picking up twenty teeny tiny little itty bitty pieces of plastic from the floor every time I need to vacuum, which is practically daily since I live with three slobs.


Come on!! The rack is right there!! I MEAN RIGHT THERE!!!!

To all three of the men in my life, WE BOUGHT A SHOE RACK!  I put the damn thing together myself and it is right next to the fucking door.  If I trip over one more shoe because you are too lazy to pick them up and put them on the rack that is right next to you so help me god I am going to pick up those shoes and pitch them right out the window!!  Then when you need them you can go outside barefoot to retrieve them.

Sincerely, the pissed off Type A, organized, neat freak who lives with the three of you and who is about to totally lose her shit!


A Not So Simple Trip to Target

Target 2I just needed to purchase a few items for the new house.  A silverware tray for the kitchen drawer, a small trash can for the bathroom next to the mud room, and some cute things for the boys jungle themed bathroom.  Bill was not home and I had both boys.  I could handle taking both boys to Target.  After all, this wouldn’t take long, right?

Well, my Target was recently renovated to include a produce and grocery department (which I love by the way) so everything was now in different places.  It took me forever to find the things I was looking.

We were only in the store five minutes when AJ announces rather loudly that he is going to go look at the video games.  Usually I don’t have a problem with this when he and I go to the store together since he is now twelve, but today we had Casey, and a five year old can not go hang out at the video games without me.  Well, because AJ said it so loudly, Casey heard him of course and insisted that he be allowed to go too.

I explained to Casey that he was too young to leave Mommy in a big store.  Yeah, he didn’t really give a care about that and proceeded to have a full on melt down; rigid body, clenched fists, feet stomping, mouth wide open with blood curdling screams coming out of it.  AJ wasn’t helping with his constantly telling Casey that he was sick and tired of taking him everywhere.  I told AJ to just go since he was making it worse, and then tried to calm Casey down.  I got his screams down to a quiet hiccupping sob after about two minutes.

I continued my shopping with Casey now in the shopping cart still sobbing.  I managed to find the silverware trays in the Home Storage area finally but I still needed to find bathroom trash cans, toothbrush holders, and a few other things.  During this time Casey asked every few seconds if I would take him to see the Skylanders in the video games and that it wasn’t fair AJ got to go.  Casey is all about fair these days.  Basically anything AJ gets to do he thinks he should be able to as well.  I kept telling him we would look at them when I was done but that we would NOT be buying anymore today.

After about twenty more minutes of shopping I managed to get what I needed.  At this point Casey announces he needs to go to the bathroom.  He is doing a lovely potty dance bopping up and down while sitting in the cart.  So I rush all the way from the back of the store up to the front to take him to the bathroom.  Once done, we now need to go all the way back to the rear of the store to find AJ.  I repeat to Casey several times we will not be buying any Skylanders today.  He tells me he knows and to stop telling him already.

I find AJ and sure enough he is standing there holding three packs of Skylanders and he says, “Look mom!  They are on sale!  Can I get these?”  Before I even have the chance to say no Casey yells out that if AJ gets three Skylanders then he gets three of them too.  I take a deep breathe and calmly tell them that we aren’t buying any Skylanders today.

Now Casey is crying again and AJ is whining and begging to at least get one since they were on sale.  Even on sale they are $8 each, and I can’t buy AJ one without getting Casey one.  So now we are talking about $16.  I am losing my patience but remember that I am in public so I can’t yell at them, which at this point, I sooooo want to!  I firmly repeat that we are NOT BUYING ANY SKYLANDERS TODAY!


Whoever dreamed these things up was a genius. Every kid in our neighborhood is addicted to this game!

Then I give AJ the look.  You know the one.  The look that says if you don’t drop this right now you are dead meat when you get home.  AJ for once gets the message but Casey seems to be immune to the look and just continues to cry.

I have had enough.  I swing the cart around, the discussion is over and I charge like a raging bull towards the checkout.  I need to get the hell out of the store before I completely lose it.  In my hurry to flee I jump in the shortest line which of course is the candy line.  Now their pleas immediately turn to getting a treat.  AJ actually has the nerve to say that since I was so mean about not getting them Skylanders the very least I could do was get them a Kit Kat.  Never mind the fact that both of them still have Easter baskets overflowing with chocolate of every kind at home.

I ignore them both as they beg because at this point I am ready to say something very un-mommy like to AJ.  The words “kiss my ass” are floating through my head.  Several people are staring at us as both boys continue to whine.  The cashier looks at me with a knowing and kind smile, she is obviously a mommy too and understands.

Finally, FINALLY, we are done and leave the store.  By the time Casey is buckled into his car seat and AJ is playing with the radio station the worst is over.  The boys are suddenly talking about which Skylander has more power and is a better, and how many they are going to ask for come their birthdays.

I pull out of the parking lot thinking that it will be a very, very long time before I take both boys to Target again.


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