Well, good-bye. It was nice knowing you while it lasted and I am very sorry you have to leave in such a rush. Maybe one day you can come back and we can pretend this whole awful moment was just a bad dream. Oh, no? Well, that’s okay. I understand. Really I do.
That was what was left of my dignity, flying out the proverbial window faster than a five year old chasing an ice cream truck. My dignity and I had to sever all ties today and go our separate ways.
How, you may ask, did this happen? Well, for starters, it’s all my boys’ fault. Then again, maybe not all their fault. Fine, I guess it really wasn’t their fault. I know, it’s the cat’s fault! She betrayed me! Okay, okay so it wasn’t her fault, either. I know who to blame…freaking winter. Yes, this winter of discontent claimed another victory against me today. If I were actually keeping score between winter and myself if would probably look something like this: Winter-251, Me-0. I am so over this winter!
Anyway, I digress. Back to my now lost dignity. It all started this morning with yet another snow day. Like any tired mommy I did what we all do on a snow day. I rolled over and went back to sleep!! The timing was actually pretty good, I caught my six year old’s head cold and my sinuses and throat are super raw and irritated.
I woke up two hours later and happily the boys were both still sleeping. Even the cat was quiet since Bill fed her before he left for work at 5:30 in the morning.
I decided to do something utterly wonderful. Something truly luxurious! I decided to take a shower. Since when is a shower a luxury? Talk to a few moms and you will find out pretty darn fast just how luxurious they are. During the week a shower for me is done in the evening before bedtime and consists of approximately 2 minutes of running water followed by a quick pat down and tossing on some jammies so I can get back out there to start the boys’ bedtime rituals. Sunday is the only day of the week that I get to have a proper morning shower and actually stay in there until all the hot water has been drained from the tank.
I left the bedroom door cracked open for the cat to come in. She loves to come in when I take a shower. Since she is the only other female in the house I consider it a little girl time bonding. Besides, after I get out of the shower she likes to go in there and lick the walls dry with her sandpaper tongue. I consider that a win since I don’t have to worry about mildew and mold build up on the bottom four inches of the shower.
I stepped into my bathroom and stripped down. I turned on the shower to let the water warm up before I stepped in. That was when I remembered that my new bottle of Honest Shampoo was on the bedroom dresser. It had only made it as far as the bedroom in my hurried attempt to put it away. Plus the cat was in the bedroom. That was when it happened. That was when my dignity left me in such a rush.
Without a second thought I opened the bathroom door and stepped out into my bedroom completely in the buff. I managed to get three steps out before I looked up to see both boys sitting on my bed petting the cat. I screamed, turned, ran back to the bathroom and slammed the door. Praise the Lord, at least the 13 year old had his back to me! The six year old on the other hand was sitting with his face in my direction, and while the oldest only got a good look at my cellulite covered backside, my sweet little boy got to see the Full Monty; saggy boobs, stretch marked covered stomach, and all the rest.
As I stood in the bathroom trying figure out how I would get the money needed to pay for my children’s’ hefty therapy bills, I heard both boys bust out laughing in the bedroom. I swear I think I even heard the damn cat laughing! I yelled at them to go in the family room and play video games as I shrugged my shoulders and accepted the fact that my boys weren’t traumatized, perhaps just a little nuts and would survive this incident with their sanity in tacked, even if my own sanity was sometimes in question.
Please tell me this has happened to you! Somebody? Anybody?