I Gave My Three Year Old Chocolate Laxatives…On Purpose

I Gave My Three Year Old Chocolate Laxatives

I was a little nervous to start potty training my first child.  Sure, changing diapers kind of sucked, but the truth was, they were convenient.  Plus, I was a girl and my child was a boy.  We had different “plumbing” and I wasn’t sure how to go about teaching my son to pee in the potty.  I mean, was I supposed to teach him to pee standing up or sitting down.

Like all first time moms I did what we all do.  I bought a book.  Okay, I bought several books and read them cover to cover.  Eventually I decided to start him out sitting down, this way he could play on the potty for a bit and hopefully something would happen.

Two days later and that idea wasn’t working so well.  Then I had the idea to take him to the bathroom and try to teach him to pee standing up.  I led him to the bathroom, pulled his pants down to his feet, and told him to pee.  He looked at me a little funny and then he did it!  Seriously, he peed standing up the very first time I told him too.

I all but did a somersault I was so excited.  He was dancing up and down and clapping along with me.  From that day on he never peed his pants again.  By day three my child was potty trained to pee in the potty every time.  I was an awesome mom!  I totally rocked!  If peeing was this easy we would have that pooping thing figured out by the end of the week no doubt.

Shockingly, at the end of the week he still wasn’t pooping in the potty.  Every day I would sit him on the potty after meals, after naps, while watching a cartoon and nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero.

No sooner would I take him off the potty he would hide and poop his pants.

The baby books talked about giving a small reward for using the potty.  Out came the M&M’s.  “Just poop in the potty and you can have a candy,” I would say with forced excitement.  “Okay,” he would reply, eager to get his chocolaty goodness.  Five minutes…ten minutes…fifteen minutes…still he would not poop in the potty.

After a month we gave up on Pull-ups.  Everyone told me that Pull-ups were too much like diapers and he would never learn if he didn’t feel uncomfortable when he had an accident.

So I went to the store and loaded up on training pants and plastic pants.  We still spent large amounts of time sitting on the potty while watching Rollie Polie Olie or The Wiggles.  The bag of M&M’s waited patiently to be eaten.  Plastic pants were horrible.  They leaked and made AJ a sweaty mess.  Still no poop.

No, let me rephrase that, we had plenty of poop, just not in the potty.  Now every day I had the pleasure of removing soiled underpants from him and then dunking them up and down in the toilet trying to get the squished poop out of them before hosing them off in the basement sink where they would collect in a bucket waiting to be washed.  The smell!  Good grief the smell!

After two more months of this I was advised to give up on the training pants and just stick him in little boy underwear.  I was getting desperate.  So I drove to Target and loaded up on cute little Batman and Superman underwear and made a big production of showing them to AJ and getting him excited to finally wear “big boy” underwear.

To make a long story short, the big boy underwear ended up being as useless as the training pants.  Not to mention I was doing load after load of laundry because he was ruining so many outfits every day.

This went on for almost a year.  For the life of me I didn’t know what I had done wrong.  How could a child who mastered peeing in three days be so stubborn about going poop?  He would clench those little butt cheeks for an hour or longer to avoid using the potty.  Once he was free of the potty he would run and hide and poop his pants.

As time passed I was growing beyond desperate.  Preschool was two weeks away!  I was returning to work.  He had to go to preschool!  There was just one little catch.  Children who were not potty trained were not allowed to go to preschool.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  AJ had turned the potty into a battle of wills.  He was NOT going to use it…period.  Plus, he had some serious butt clenching skills.  He would hold it no matter what.  I needed to find a way for him to not be able to hold it.

An idea took hold in my head.  It was a crazy idea.  One I was sure no one would ever do under normal circumstances.  This was not normal.  This was an emergency.  I went to the bathroom and grabbed the bar of Chocolate Ex-lax.  Yep, that’s right.  Ex-lax.

“AJ, do you want some chocolate?” I asked.  He nodded his little head up and down.  Two little squares were quickly eaten up.  I even gave him some of his M&M’s out of guilt for what I was about to do.

Then, I waited.  I stayed very close so I could be sure not to miss my opportunity.  Two hours later it happened.  One second AJ was playing with a hot wheel cars, the next second his stomach let out a loud gurgle and he jumped up off the floor.  I grabbed him before he could run and hide and tossed his butt onto the potty.  He clenched, his stomach gurgled, he clenched harder, then a fart escaped, he clenched as hard as those little cheeks possibly could, but he was no match against a laxative.  Finally, he dropped a load in the potty and a choir of angels sang hallelujah as a rainbow shot across the sky.

There was praise and rejoicing.  Phone calls were made to grandma and grandpa.   M&M’s were eaten between hugs and kisses.  I wiped his bottom and pulled his pants up.  He watched me put the poop in the big toilet and flush it down.

Fifteen minutes later his tummy gurgled again and back on the potty he went.  He dropped a second load and after that he fear of pooping was gone.  Two little squares of Ex-lax worked better than a year of potty training, and AJ was able to start preschool on time.

What crazy thing have you ever done out of desperation as a parent?  I’m all ears!!

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Comments

  1. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious!!! Score one for mom!

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