I love my kids. They are the world to me. I snap pictures of all their big moments, I read bedtime stories and help with homework daily, and I like to cook things that I know will make them happy.
I try hard to be a good mom, but the truth is I am human. I occasionally just screw up. Plus I admit there are some traditional mommy things that I just don’t do and don’t give a crap about.
• I do not keep my kids’ artwork. I “ooh and ah” when they bring it home. I hang it on the wall for a week or so and then after that when they go to sleep I pitch it into the recycling bin. Sure there are a couple of special things that I have tucked away, but mostly it all goes bye-bye.
• I never kept my children’s baby teeth. I’m sorry, I know lots of moms do but honestly I think that it is creepy! I do have in their baby books an envelope with a snip of hair from their first hair cut but that’s it.
• I always forget to take my kids to the birthday parties they get invited to. We buy a present, wrap it, and then miss the really awesome party at whatever location the parent paid big bucks to rent.
• After a year of unsuccessful potty training for my first born I took drastic action. He mastered peeing in the potty in three days flat. Then spent the next year hiding so he could poop his pants. Preschool was two weeks away. I was desperate. I fed my kid chocolate laxatives so he wouldn’t be able to hold it and have no choice but to poop in the potty. For the record it worked. After 24 hours he never crapped his pants again.
• I really don’t like “playing” with my kids. I’ll help them build a fort in the living room, I’ll help assemble a Lego set, I’ll even let them play with play dough, but I have no desire to join in the fun.
• I don’t feel any guilt for having not breast fed my kids. In fact, I was secretly grateful I couldn’t do it for medical reasons because it meant my husband was able to rotate night feedings with me!
• I swear…often. Not shockingly, so does my kid. A typical conversation in my house. Teen: “Mom, I don’t want to eat this. It tastes like shit.” Me: “Hey, stop cussing.” Teen: “But you do it all the time.” Me: “That’s because I am a grown up. When you turn 18 you can cuss as much as you want, until then, knock it off!”
• I have been known to “accidentally” break or lose toys that are exceptionally annoying.
• I have mastered the art of staring right into my kid’s face and going “uh huh, yeah, oh wow,” and not actually listen to a word they are saying because I have mentally checked out for the day.
• I yell at my kids. I don’t necessarily like the fact that I yell at them, but sometimes I am at the end of my rope and something’s gotta give. Usually at that moment it ends up being my temper and I let it fly, right out of my mouth.
• I wrote a blog describing my son’s crooked penis. That alone will cost me thousands in therapy bills one day.
• I have given up the battle of making my child dress for the weather. After years of arguing on this issue I have decided that if my teenager wants to go to school in a blizzard with minus zero wind chills in sneakers and a hoodie, so be it! I figure a few times freezing his ass off will teach him better than my nagging him can.
• I use the TV and the Wii as a babysitter. I’m sorry but sometimes I have a ton of stuff that HAS to get done. Trying to get work done with two kids under foot is as productive as trying to remove sand from a beach one grain at a time.
• I once forgot to pick my little one up at the bus stop. Luckily the bus driver took him back to the school. He had been at the school for thirty minutes by the time I realized I had forgotten him.
• During cold weather I have been known to let my kid go 4 to 5 days without remembering to give him a bath. In the summer it is easy to remember he needs a bath each night when you can see the rolls of dirt around his limbs. But in the winter I honestly just forget. I mean, he doesn’t look dirty and he doesn’t smell, so it’s good…right?
Feel the need to confess some of your shitty mom moments. Feel free to add them to the comments below.