A Tired Mom’s New Year’s Resolutions

A Tired Mom's New Year's Resolutions

I tend to be a complicated person.  At times I am sentimental, at times I get on a soap box and become a little bossy, often I am bitchy and snarky, and sometimes I crack my own self up.  So not surprisingly my New Year’s resolutions ended up being a mix of all of the above.

So without further ado, here are my serious, not so serious, and little bit bitchy resolutions.

On a Serious Note  

  • Create one heck of a teacher portfolio to help me take my career down a new path.
  • Too actually call people on my phone and speak to them besides just sending out a quick text message.
  • Chill out.  (This will be the HARDEST resolution for me to try to keep.)
  • Finish writing my book so that perhaps I can take my career in a truly different path!
  • Try not to get so hung up about the little things that I fail to enjoy the big things.

Not So Serious 

  • I will stop gaining weight.  Since I know I will be too busy to actually try to loose weight my goal is simply to maintain the status quo.
  • Spend more money on the Mega Millions and Power Ball jackpots, just in case that new career path thing fails to work out I’ll need a plan B.
  • I will get more sleep this year by secretly giving both boys a crushed up melatonin in their milk at dinner time.  Go ahead, judge, I don’t care!!
  • This is the year I will get serious about watching more cute baby and cat videos on YouTube!
  • I will finally carve out some time to make something awesome and Pinterest worthy with all my wine corks.

A Little Bit Bitchy 

  • I will get more exercise by lifting my middle finger more often to the crappy drivers I deal with day in and day out during my hour long commute to work.
  • I will wave and smile at the neighbors and invite them over for a drink or two when they are clearly judging me for the number of empty wine bottles in my recycling bin.
  • I will speak to my teenager using the same tone and whiny voice he speaks to me with.  I will also roll my eyes with greater exaggeration and stomp my feet as I walk away.
  • I will try to be more offensive because apparently pissing people off gets you more followers than providing humorous and somewhat helpful content.
  • I will put exposed electrical wires at the base of the toilet in the boy’s bathroom.  Every time they miss the bowl they will get ZAPPED!  Think of it as Pavlov’s Classical Conditioning, only instead of rewards for ringing a bell they will get shocked for peeing the floor.

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S!!!

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Sometimes I am a Shitty Mom

Sometimes I am a Shitty Mom

I love my kids. They are the world to me. I snap pictures of all their big moments, I read bedtime stories and help with homework daily, and I like to cook things that I know will make them happy.

I try hard to be a good mom, but the truth is I am human. I occasionally just screw up. Plus I admit there are some traditional mommy things that I just don’t do and don’t give a crap about.

• I do not keep my kids’ artwork. I “ooh and ah” when they bring it home. I hang it on the wall for a week or so and then after that when they go to sleep I pitch it into the recycling bin. Sure there are a couple of special things that I have tucked away, but mostly it all goes bye-bye.

• I never kept my children’s baby teeth. I’m sorry, I know lots of moms do but honestly I think that it is creepy! I do have in their baby books an envelope with a snip of hair from their first hair cut but that’s it.

• I always forget to take my kids to the birthday parties they get invited to. We buy a present, wrap it, and then miss the really awesome party at whatever location the parent paid big bucks to rent.

• After a year of unsuccessful potty training for my first born I took drastic action. He mastered peeing in the potty in three days flat. Then spent the next year hiding so he could poop his pants. Preschool was two weeks away. I was desperate. I fed my kid chocolate laxatives so he wouldn’t be able to hold it and have no choice but to poop in the potty. For the record it worked. After 24 hours he never crapped his pants again.

• I really don’t like “playing” with my kids. I’ll help them build a fort in the living room, I’ll help assemble a Lego set, I’ll even let them play with play dough, but I have no desire to join in the fun.

• I don’t feel any guilt for having not breast fed my kids. In fact, I was secretly grateful I couldn’t do it for medical reasons because it meant my husband was able to rotate night feedings with me!

• I swear…often. Not shockingly, so does my kid. A typical conversation in my house. Teen: “Mom, I don’t want to eat this. It tastes like shit.” Me: “Hey, stop cussing.” Teen: “But you do it all the time.” Me: “That’s because I am a grown up. When you turn 18 you can cuss as much as you want, until then, knock it off!”

• I have been known to “accidentally” break or lose toys that are exceptionally annoying.

• I have mastered the art of staring right into my kid’s face and going “uh huh, yeah, oh wow,” and not actually listen to a word they are saying because I have mentally checked out for the day.

• I yell at my kids. I don’t necessarily like the fact that I yell at them, but sometimes I am at the end of my rope and something’s gotta give. Usually at that moment it ends up being my temper and I let it fly, right out of my mouth.

• I wrote a blog describing my son’s crooked penis. That alone will cost me thousands in therapy bills one day.

• I have given up the battle of making my child dress for the weather. After years of arguing on this issue I have decided that if my teenager wants to go to school in a blizzard with minus zero wind chills in sneakers and a hoodie, so be it! I figure a few times freezing his ass off will teach him better than my nagging him can.

• I use the TV and the Wii as a babysitter. I’m sorry but sometimes I have a ton of stuff that HAS to get done. Trying to get work done with two kids under foot is as productive as trying to remove sand from a beach one grain at a time.

• I once forgot to pick my little one up at the bus stop. Luckily the bus driver took him back to the school. He had been at the school for thirty minutes by the time I realized I had forgotten him.

• During cold weather I have been known to let my kid go 4 to 5 days without remembering to give him a bath. In the summer it is easy to remember he needs a bath each night when you can see the rolls of dirt around his limbs. But in the winter I honestly just forget. I mean, he doesn’t look dirty and he doesn’t smell, so it’s good…right?

Feel the need to confess some of your shitty mom moments. Feel free to add them to the comments below.

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The Proper Way to Wipe Your Butt

The Proper Way to Wipe Your Butt

Call it what you will; rear, fanny, derrière, buttocks, ass, arse, backside, bum, buns, can, hindquarters, hind end, keister, posterior, rear end, trunk, the bottom line is everyone has a butt and you are going to spend a good part of your life keeping it clean. Just one quick wipe is not enough. Trust me, I have sons. I wash their underwear. Some of them have been so disgusting that I won’t even put them in my machine, I just toss them away.

I have talked to friends and coworkers about this (I know this will traumatize my boys one day when they read this post when they are older, but since I am going to be paying for therapy bills anyway, I might as well get my money’s worth.) As I was saying, after lengthy discussions with many moms, I have learned that this seems to be a problem for the male species only. Apparently girls are really good butt wipers.

So boys and young men every where please pin this little post for future reference. You will thank me because one day you will have a significant other in your life. Believe me, when your life partner reaches into your pile of dirty clothes to kindly do your laundry, they do not want to stick in their thumb and pull out a brown plum! Double gross!!

So what is a boy to do when they make a poo?

First of all, it is not necessary to sit their and smell your own stink. Poo gas travels and the longer it floats in the bowl, the farther the stink goes. So please do a courtesy flush. Trust me, this is the one time in your life when it is not necessary to save water.

After you are done dropping you log it is time to wipe. My recommendation is 6-8 squares depending on brand and whether it is one or two ply. Be aware that the drain of the toilet does have a maximum diameter so a wad the size of a head of lettuce is going to leave you standing there with an embarrassing predicament.

Another rule of thumb is to keep wiping until the paper comes away clean. If this happens on the second wipe, awesome. If it doesn’t happen until the fourth, oh well. However, because of that maximum drain diameter being smaller than you think you must at all times follow a second simple rule.

Wipe, wipe, flush. Wipe, wipe, flush.

By the time two wads of TP are in the bowl you are already nearing maximum capacity. Again, this is not the time to worry about water usage. If you overflow the bowl at your girlfriends house and suddenly there is a poopie floating across the floor the shame you will experience will far outweigh any water waste guilt you might feel for doing a triple flusher.

Then, before you pull up those boxers, if you are still worried that there might be a little smear in your rear it is time to use the ultimate weapon, the crème de la crème of poop removal tools, the flushable wet wipes. Yes, they are cold since they are sitting on the back of the porcelain thrown, but they are guaranteed to leave your rear end clean and fresh, and save you the terrible shame of having underwear with back tracks.

So remember:

*1. Courtesy Flush.

*2. Wipe until the paper comes away clean.

*3. Wipe, wipe, flush.

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The Practical & Natural Medicine Cabinet

The Practical & Natural Medicine Cabinet

I have a compromised immune system. It is a major side effect of the medications use to treat my Rheumatoid Arthritis. As a result, I catch everything and then take 3-4 times as long as the normal person to recover. Colds almost always turn into bronchial infections or sinus infections. The flu will inevitably turn into walking pneumonia with me. So I am forever trying to boost my immune system with supplements, healthy teas, and plenty of sleep (though I often fail when it comes to the sleep).

Because I get serious infections so often, I end up on antibiotics once or twice a year. I have noticed that lately when I get sick I am getting prescribed stronger and stronger antibiotics because my body has started to build up a tolerance to your basic run of the mill amoxicillin. This means when the day comes that the proverbial super flu finally comes a knocking, I may be in serious trouble.

Because I don’t want my children to develop a resistance to antibiotics I always buy antibiotic free meats and dairy. There have also been some changes to our medicine cabinet that honestly really work for my kids.

Most cough syrups don’t work. Don’t believe me? Ask your pediatrician. Many of them are not safe for children under six. Plus, they are filled with dyes and artificial flavors. So what is a worried mom supposed to do?  Not to mention that what ever I do needs to be simple, straight forward, and be effective.  I don’t have time for bogus products that don’t deliver.

kids_cough_syrup_product11There are now several honey based cough syrups that actually work surprisingly well. I’ll admit I was skeptical. If actual medicine was proving ineffective how was honey going to do the trick? But the honey is thick and soothing on sore throats, and the nighttime version of Zarbees has melatonin in it, an all natural chemical that the body makes at bedtime, which helps little ones to fall asleep soundly so they don’t cough during the night. Genius! (Honey is not safe for children under a year old.)childrens_nt

For sore throats I keep a supply of Burt’s Bees Natural Throat Drops, free of dyes and artificial flavors. The honey pomegranate ones taste pretty good and just like Maty’s and Zarbee’s Cough Syrup, the honey really coats raw throats.

salineWhen it comes to drippy, stuffy noses, Saline Spray is awesome. Small kids really haven’t mastered the art of blowing their noses. Saline helps to break up mucus and thin it out so it is easier and more effective when you blow. It also moisturizes raw and painful nasal passages.

Next is a treatment I bet many of you remember from your own childhood. When I was sick my mom used to slather my chest with Vicks Vapor Rub. Breathing those menthol and eucalyptus vapors really did amazing work in clearing up sinus passages.vapor_rub_product111

Maty’s Soothing Chest Rub works just like Vicks but is free of petroleum jelly or petrochemicals.

pedialyteAnother common illness this time of year is tummy bugs. Besides having a supply of Pedialyte for maintaining fluid and chemical balances, I have learned to keep a supply of Witch Hazel Wipes in the house as well. When an attack of diarrhea happens, children’s behinds get raw and painful really fast making it hard for them to wipe. These wipes sooth a rear end with the very first use.

butt wipes

The last important item in the medicine cabinet is children’s ibuprofen for fevers that go above 101. I have learned not to medicate a fever right away. The truth is a fever is your bodies immune system doing what it is supposed to do, which is fight off foreign invaders. So actually a mild fever is a good thing. So before you dose, check your child’s temperature to make sure it is really necessary.

***I am not a medical professional. I am not pretending to be a medical professional. My advice is not to be taken as treatment for your child’s illness. If your child is sick then consult with your own pediatrician about the products listed on this page. These are just suggestions I have learned from speaking with my children’s pediatrician and doing a little research of my own, as well as watching my own children’s progress while using the natural remedies mentioned in this post. I was not paid by anyone to review these products, I just really like them and they work for my kids.***

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An Explanation for Why I am So Cranky

So Cranky

Those of you who follow my blog or my FB page have known for a while that I have a tough group of students even though they are only second graders.  Still, I think many may think to them selves, ‘Please, how bad can it be?  They are just little kids.  Stop being such a baby.”

To those people I present for your entertainment today the following.  To my own boys who don’t understand why mom is so exhausted when I come home from work every day now you will know.  To my students who always wonder why Ms. Bietler is so cranky by the time 1 o’clock rolls around, now you will know.

A couple of weeks ago I got hurt at work when I fell up the stairs.  No, that is not a typo, yes I fell UP the stairs.  That is what happens when a second grader grabs your butt to get your attention.  Anyway, I ended up pulling a groin muscle.  Yes, women do have groin muscles.  I had to google it to prove it to my husband who was quite sure I was wrong.  The next day I was in a considerable amount of pain and had to call in a sub.  When I hobbled into work the following day this note was left on my desk along with a stack of notes from the students.

Because I don’t want to get sued or lose my job all the names have been changed to protect the (not so) innocent.

“Dear Ms. Bietler,

 To put it mildly, Wednesday was a complete disaster.  The principal had to come by several times.  The only students who were not rude, disrespectful, or talk incessantly were Ben, Darnell, and Hassan.  Nina and Celia were okay, too.

 The only thing that the class did that did not involve pleading, cajoling, and yelling on my part was write letters to you saying how bad the class acted in your absence.

 Natasha was profane and bullying, and she refused to stop touching her classmates or taking their belongings.  She was sent to the office.  After she returned from the office she yelled out loud that she was going to, “Sock Ma’Kayla right in her face.”

 I could not at any point get more than half the class to pay attention for any given period of time.  Unfortunately this resulted in your class accomplishing absolutely nothing.  For this I sincerely apologize.  I simply could not get the class to cooperate.  I feel I must tell you now that I will not sub in your room in the future.  If you have any questions feel free to contact me at (555) 555-5555 (yes that is a fake number).

 Kind regards,

Jack Dixon”

In a year and a half (I taught these kids as first graders and looped with them to second) I have had FIVE subs inform me that they will never sub in my room ever again.  Perhaps it was the pain meds or I finally broke from reality, but after reading this note I was roaring with laughter.  The only thing that cracked me up more than poor Mr. Dixon’s note to me were the notes the children all wrote tattling on each other.  They were simply priceless.

Derl Ms. Bietler

Sadie was bad wen the sub told her to be good.  She sed him the B word and then she punch Ben.  Pleas come back.

 Tamika

 Dear Ms. Bitler

 I was being good but the teacher think I was bad.  Natasha was bad and the techer afto wait and wait.  Sadie was bad too.  The teacher (sub) yell at us and averyone was playing but not me.  I was good reelly.

 Ali

 Daer Ms. Bietler

 Everybody was being disobedient to the sub.  They wasen’t lisening and they was pushing and shuving in the line.  They was so bad definly Natasha.

 Mason

Der Mis Bietler,

 Everybody was be bad.  Sadie was soy very bad.  I was gud and everyone else was flippant.

 Owen

 Der Ms. Blfters

 We was bad with the techer.  We will be good wen he comes back.  We will say that we are sorre and we was flippant and rude and we are sorre wen he comes back.  I don’t think he is coming back.  He said so.

 Randy

dead teacher

The substitute must have told the class to stop being flippant because that word came up in several of their notes to me and I have never used that one but might just start now.

So now you know why I am so tired and cranky and why last year I had to start taking Zoloft!  I literally told my doctor to give me something to calm my nerves or that I was going to be a raging alcoholic by the end of the school year.

 

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