Halloween is About Candy Not Insults

Halloween Candy Pic

There is a crazy lady in West Fargo who is giving out notes to kids who she deems to be over weight this Halloween. This crazy lady is literally telling the parents and the child that he or she is just too fat and unhealthy to receive a piece of candy from her and that they are bad parents.

fat kid letter2222She says it takes a Village to Raise a Child, but that she is disappointed with her village. Well I think the villagers need to sharpen their pitch forks and light their torches and chase this crazy lady out of town!

Personally I don’t want the village idiot telling me and my children what to do! Do you honestly think overweight people and children don’t know they are overweight? Does this idiot think chunky kids need a total stranger pointing out to them that they are chunky? Does this idiot think that the parents’ of the chunky kid needs to be told, “Hey, your kid is too chunky?” I think not.

I have a new motto to replace the classic “Village” one. My motto is Mind Your Own F’ing Business!!! You have no clue what is going on with those people or their circumstances. Perhaps your over judgmental mind is correct, and they love to eat large quantities of unhealthy food, but maybe you are completely WRONG!

There are MANY medical reasons why some people are overweight. Prednisone is used to treat dozens of illnesses. As someone who used to be on it, it is a steroid that makes you blow up like a balloon, and losing weight while on it is impossible. Prednisone is used to treat asthma and cancer, and that is just two examples. Do you really want to tell those kids they are too fat for your stinking candy??

Another reason some children are over weight is because the family is struggling financially. The truth is, processed food is cheaper. If you are trying to feed a family of four with only $50 a week you are NOT loading up on fresh fruits, vegetables, and lean cuts of meat. The sad truth is many people need quantity over quality.

Feeding a family on an extremely limited budget means mac & cheese, hot dogs, peanut butter, ramen noodles, $5 Hot & Ready Pizza, and whatever cheap products you can acquire with your coupons. This kind of food will fill tummies but it comes with a consequence, it will also thicken waistlines. Still, what is the alternative? Sending you kids to bed hungry because you don’t have enough “healthy” food in the house? Would you ever tell a child, “Sorry, you are too poor to get a piece of candy from me?”

So to this crazy lady, and any one else who is planning on giving out pennies to the chunky kids and candy to those they deem worthy of candy, I say to you, “Get off you high horse and don’t judge people, especially children, you don’t even know!” If you choose to pass out candy for Halloween then don’t be a douche bag. Give EVERY child that comes to your house a piece of candy. Remember, Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around. And if Karma doesn’t get you, those “chunky” kids you insulted might just come back and egg or T.P. your house!

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I Have an Inch Long Hair on My Chin and the Other Joys of Aging

Inch Hair

I never really minded getting a little older.  In fact I actually enjoyed it because with every passing year I grew in confidence, strength, and wisdom.  I remember being in my 20’s and thinking I knew everything.  Now I look back at my 20’s and realize that even with a college degree and a great upbringing I was a totally naïve about so many things in life.  The best way to understand life is to live it, both the good and the bad.

I also never minded getting older because I have never looked my age.  I shun the sun like a vampire so I have awesome skin.  Seriously, except for a few brow lines that are covered up by some bangs, I have no wrinkles.  I love wearing make-up and haven’t been make-up free since I was 13.  I have dyed my hair since I was 18 so gray hair has never been a problem, and while I do not dress like a teenager anymore, I also do not dress like an old lady.

Unlike my husband who has no knowledge of music that was made after the year 2000, I love rocking out to the new stuff.  Sure, I get in moods where I’ll listen to Duran Duran or Depeche Mode all day, but I absolutely love LinkinPark, Breaking Benjamin, and Rihanna.

However, I can deny it no longer.  I am getting older.  I am only 42, so I am not THAT old, even if my child did ask me if color television had been invented when I was a kid.

Getting older truly does suck.  This morning I was giving myself a facial and as I was rinsing it off I noticed something that freaked me out.  I had a rogue hair…on the side of my chin…that was jet black and an inch long!!  What??  How long had that been there?  Where did it come from?  I know for a fact that I never had that before.  Instantly the tweezers were out and that disgusting hair was ripped out by the root, but now for the rest of my life I will have to look at my chin weekly to make sure the little bugger isn’t growing back.

Then there is this thing called gravity.  It is causing havoc on my boobs.  I have never been perky.  The words perky and Double D’s don’t really go together.  But still, once upon a time they were at least in the right location.  Now I need industrial grade bolder holders to keep those things in place.  I’m not all National Geographic looking when it comes to my boobies, but I find myself wearing my bra now from the moment I get up till the time I go to bed to combat the gravity effect.

As for my knees and feet, well they creak, crack, pop, and ache.  I haven’t been able to wear heels in years.  I love high heels.  I love how they make your legs so long.  I love how they give you that perfect curve to your rear end.  I used to teach all day wearing platform 4 inch heels.  I used to have these AMAZING black leather boots that came up to my knees with 3 inch heels that I wore with tights and a mini skirt.  I felt like Xena the Warrior Princess when I wore them.

Now, after three foot surgeries and knees that grind because my cartilage is all gone and I am bone on bone, I now spend hundreds of dollars on plain looking shoes that don’t cause pain.  Boring!!

I wish I could say that was my only experience with the negative affects of aging but alas it isn’t.  My hormones have gone completely wonky.  Yes wonky.  I am up.  I am down.  I am laughing hysterically.  I am sobbing uncontrollably.  As for my patience, what patience?  I used to have it in spades, now I am likely to turn into the Hulk if you give me any lip.  Some days I feel like a complete witch, and I know I am acting like a witch, and yet I can’t stop the witch from coming out.  I curse you hormones!  You hear that?  I curse you!  Thank god for Zoloft, although I think I need to get my dose increased because lately it doesn’t seem to be as effective as before.

Plus, don’t even get me started about “That Time of the Month.”  Let’s just say I am so ready to have that uterus of mine ripped out already and be done with it!!

Still, I have no intentions of growing old gracefully.  I don’t feel old so I sure don’t want to look old.  Therefore, I will tweeze away, slather on my anti-wrinkle cream, schedule an appointment with my gynecologist to book a partial hysterectomy and get my Zoloft increased.  Then I will turn on Lady Gaga and dance like I’m 20!  At least until my knees start to hurt and I have to sit down for a while.

What battles are you waging with time and Mother Nature?

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Legos…Greatest Toy on Earth or Demonic Curse from Hell? You Decide!

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I have a love/hate relationship with Legos.  On the one hand, I love how they inspire my children’s imaginations.  My oldest is just starting to out grow them after years of playing, but my youngest can spend hours…HOURS…playing with his Legos.  He has them all; Batman, Avengers, Toy Story, Indiana Jones, Ninja Turtles, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Creator sets, and many more.

It’s actually pretty cute when he watches a DVD because he immediately pauses the movie and races to his room to pull out all of the matching Lego sets.  For example, when Toy Story 3 was his favorite movie we had to buy him all but the most expensive sets of the Toy Story Legos.  Then he would happily play with the Legos while the movie was on.  This continues to this day.  Just this morning AJ put in The Avengers DVD and by the time you could count to ten Casey had out his Thor, Ironman, Loki and Captain America mini-figures.

Another positive is that Lego is forever developing new sets and new themes, there is always more to be bought, which makes for easy birthday and Christmas ideas.

But, because Lego is forever making new sets and themes, that means your child is always begging for the next set.  You never reach a point where you can say, “That’s it, you now have them all.”  And, let’s not forget that Legos are super expensive.  Plus the people who market Legos are some real sneaky sons-of-bitches.

Let’s face it, bricks and cars and planes are fun, but what the kid really wants is a complete set of mini-figures, and the marketing team for Lego knows it!  So if your child is really into the Batman Legos, getting a Batman is a piece of cake.  He is in ALL of the different sets.  But if you child wants to get Penguin, Bane, Robin, or the Scarecrow, you better be ready to lay down the big bucks!  I am ashamed to admit that I have actually clicked on Ebay and laid down $11 to purchase the Croc mini-figure because his set had been discontinued and Casey had been begging for him for months.

Also, for obvious reasons, Legos are not durable.  Some of the smaller sets we actually crazy glued together so Casey wouldn’t be able to break them on a moments notice.  This strategy works for a while but eventually the crazy glue seal will break and the toy will be smashed.  There are few things less traumatizing to a four year old than a broken Lego Bat plane when you can’t find the direction book, or even worse, lose pieces and thus can no longer put it back together EXACTLY the way it was before.

Next, Legos are painful.  My husband and I have let fly a few expletives from stepped on Leogs.  Those things are engineered for the maximum infliction of pain!  They are so damn small that you don’t see them until it is too late and you are suddenly hopping on one foot cursing.

Then there is the fact that they get everywhere.  I have Legos in and under my sofas, under end tables, under pillows and mattresses, in every drawer in both boys’ rooms, under my bed, all over the family room, and even on the fireplace hearth.  Apparently the stones that make up the hearth are the perfect height for playing with Legos.

I have come to the conclusion that Legos are self replicating, kind of like the Tribbles on the original Star Trek series.  Sure, the little fur balls were cute and adorable at first, but then they started taking over the entire ship until Captain Kirk finally said they had to go!  I’m not ready to toss the Legos just yet, but very soon we may be reaching a tipping point!

So tell me, Legos, love or hate them??

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A Tired Mommy’s Prayer for Sleep

Prayer for Sleep

The dinner dishes are cleared and the dishwasher is humming.  Homework is completed and the children are playing.  I look at the clock that hangs on the wall.  It is 6 pm.  Only two hours until the children go to bed and I can have some peace and quiet.  A small window of time for a hard working, tired mommy to sit in the sofa and fold the basket of laundry while catching a few minutes of SupernaturalDamn, that Jensen Ackles is a hubba hubba!

The clock continues to tick by.  I count down the minutes until I can rest my exhausted head on my squishy soft pillow.  “Dear Lord, let them sleep…please Lord let ME sleep,” I whisper under my breath.

The laundry folded and put away, the last pile of papers has been graded and shoved back into my school bag, and the preview for next week’s episode of Supernatural is over.  Thank God it is finally time for bed.

I slip between my sheets and let out a sigh.  I hope he isn’t in the mood because I am too tired.  I hope I won’t need to use the bathroom tonight.  I haven’t had anything to drink since dinner just to make sure.

After kissing the hubby goodnight, I roll over and close my eyes.  Suddenly I remember that tomorrow we are starting the Science Unit on plants and that I forgot to make the student response journals.  I’ll have to do that as soon as I get there in the morning.  Oh, and I need to sign AJ’s permission slipShoot, I should have done that tonight.  Soon, exhaustion quiets my over active mommy brain and around 10:30 sleep finally comes.

Casey, my five-year-old, comes in the room at 11 o’clock.  He is thirsty.  His throat is dry and he needs water now.  I take him into the kitchen and give him a tiny bit.  He downs it and asks for more.  I give him a second cup and then escort him back to bed, tuck him in and give him another kiss goodnight.

Luckily it is still early.  I have time for tons of sleep…right?

Warm and cozy, not wanting to get up, my bladder wakes me demanding attention.  Ever since the second baby not only do I cross my legs to cough and sneeze, I pee every hour during the day and at least once during the night.  I climb out of bed, run to the bathroom then hurry back.  I know I shouldn’t, but I look at the clock.  It is 1:32.  Okay, if I fall asleep right away I should be able to get three and a half more hours of sleep.

I lay there and lay there and lay there some more.  I am still awake when AJ, my twelve-year-old, gets up to use the bathroom at 2:24.  BAM!  Surprise, he slammed the toilet seat…again.  At least he remembered to flush.  Okay Lord, if you let me fall asleep right now, I will still be able to get two and a half hours.  Please God, I really need some sleep.

Miraculously I nod off, but then wake with a start.  Something is wrong.  Crying?  Oh, Casey is crying.  I hop out of bed and find Casey running back and forth in the living room doing a sleep walk version of the potty dance.  I grab him because I know he is going to pee any second but because he is still asleep he can’t find the bathroom.  I yank his pajama bottoms down to his ankles and position him in front of the toilet.  He all but sighs with relief as he answers the call of nature.  For the second time in one night I take him back to his room.  This time I toss a blanket over him and skip giving him another kiss.  I am just too tired and besides he is already asleep.  I go in my room and notice that it is 3:15 am.

“God, when I said I needed sleep I meant more than 20 minutes worth,” I grumble.  Apparently one should not grumble at God.  He has a way of getting the last laugh.  Five minutes later my husband begins to snore, quietly at first, which I try to ignore, but soon the whole room is rumbling with his inhales and exhales.  Resisting the urge to smother him with a pillow, I elbow him in the side and he rolls over.

God, if you let me fall asleep now I can still get an hour and a half.  Please, just 90 minutes of real sleep.  You know, that stuff they call REM.  Pretty please!

I lay there for a while, hoping to nod off soon, and I think I am just about to, when suddenly Bella, the cat, begins to cry for food and affection.  I try desperately to ignore her.  She knows I am ignoring her, so Bella starts to paw at the door.  “Scrape, scrape, meow.  Scrape, scrape, meow.”

I get out of bed, grab a pillow and throw it out the door at the cat.  It is 4:30 in the freaking morning.  Now when I climb back into bed I am angry.  So angry in fact that sleep is out of the question. I begin to think about all the stuff I have to do today; run off those science papers, get the new grades into the computer, run to the market after work, and cook a super fast dinner because Casey has Cub Scouts.

The alarm clock goes off at 5:00 sharp.  I hit the clock a little harder than necessary and let out a yawn.  I look up at the ceiling and, before I get out of bed to go chug two bottles of 5 Hour Energy and load up on caffeine, I decide to flip God a double middle finger.  I know it is wrong, and I will ask for forgiveness later, but right now I am tired, cranky, and honestly, he had it coming.

Halloween Traditions

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October is my favorite month of the year, and not just because it is sweater season so I can stop dieting and shaving my legs, although those are pluses.  No October is wonderful because there is just so much fun to be had!  Here is a list of things will be happening in the next several weeks in my house. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Costume Shopping

 I can’t sew to save my life.  I can’t even put a button on a shirt with it in the right spot.  So a shopping we will go.  This process actually starts in August with the arrival of the Wishcraft, Halloween Express, and Fireflies catalogs.  My boys will stare at these catalogs for hours and hours discussing the pros and cons of each costume.  Minds will change a dozen times before a final decision will be made.  Then it is off to Halloween USA where their selections are purchased, along with all needed accessories.  Because I teach early elementary I also get in costume every year!

Hocus Pocus

Charlie Brown and Hocus Pocus

The rule in our house is there will be no Great Pumpkin until two weeks before Halloween, but Hocus Pocus is usually watched the first week of October to help get the holiday spirit flowing.

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Cider Mills, Hayrides & Pumpkins

Without question I live for this annual tradition.  There is something magical about being out on a crisp sunny day picking apples, selecting the perfect pumpkins, eating pumpkin spice donuts and cold cider, and letting the kids play in the Halloween themed play area.  Plus my Cider Mill actually makes wine and has FREE wine tastings.  Cider, donuts, and wine, oh my!

wine tasting

 The Fog

Shocktober

I love horror movies.  Come October I have a blast watching all the cheesy sci-fi and classic horror flicks that come on every night.  The Exorcist, Nightmare on Elm Street, and the 1979 version of The Fog are some of my favorites.

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Hallowe’en in Greenfield Village

Every year we go to The Henry Ford Greenfield Village for their Hallowe’en Happenings.  Three thousand Jack-o-lanterns, ghosts, mad scientists, haunted houses, and the Headless Horseman.  Last year Casey got scared out of his mind by the Scarecrow.  He walked right up to it, only to have the guy pretending to be a scarecrow jump out and grab him.

up north

Up North

I love living in Michigan, and October is the best month to be in the mitten state.  The U.P. is in full color by September, but we have to wait a little longer.  There is nothing better than a weekend up north.  The trees are glorious, the bugs are gone, and giant flocks of Canadian geese are flying over head going south for the winter.

Carving Jack-O-Lanterns

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Every year we carve an assortment of pumpkins.  Scary ones, funny ones, and even character ones.  Over the years I have learned that pumpkin carving is a lot easier if you have the right tools.  Invest in the carving kits.  They make the job so much easier!

What family activities does your family do come this time of year?  Please share below!

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