Important Stuff My Boys Need to Know

Important Stuff PinableOver the years I plan to teach my children many, many things, but below are some pretty important things I plan to make sure they know because I am going to repeat myself over and over again until they hear these words in their sleep.  It’s important stuff whether they are in middle school, high school, or living in their first apartment.fart1

  1. 1.  Not Everyone Thinks Potty Humor is Funny

My house is the hang out house, so it is often bursting with boys of multiple ages.  Boys LOVE to fart and burp as often and as loudly as possible.  They make smelly competitions out of it.  I will teach my boys once those oh so wonderful hormones kick in that girls are not fans of potty humor, and if you fart or burp the ABC’s while hanging with the girl of your dreams odds are she won’t be your girl for long.  Also, don’t even think of doing that shit when you are with grandma and grandpa or in church unless you want to be grounded from video games for a year.

2.  Any  YouTube video with the title EPIC FAIL is Not a Stunt to be Repeated

I have watched many of these videos online with my boys and all I can say is the vast majority of people getting hit in the crotch or busting through the roof of the house because they tried to ski down the side are almost always high school and college age boys.  These videos have convinced me that boys left to their own devices are totally and utterly stupid, and when I listen to my husband talk about the stunts they did when he was in his fraternity it only confirms this belief.  I am using these videos as a teachable moment.  “Look at that idiot.  It’s all fun and games until someone puts a bottle rocket up his ass and lights it on fire.  Don’t ever do what he is doing!”

3.  Change Your Underwear Everyday

Boys could care less if they wore the same underwear for a week.  The underwear could be making “snap, crackle and popping” noises and they wouldn’t bat an eye.  There is nothing cool about walking around smelling like ass.  Further, if your underwear has holes in it then throw it away!  I have learned over the years from fathers, brothers, husbands, and children that guys will wear underwear even if it is being held together by two threads.  Honestly, underpants are not that expensive.  Buy some new ones.

 4.  They sell more at Supermarkets Than Just Beer and Ramen Noodles

I take my kids to the market often.  I have been teaching my oldest for the past two years how to clip coupons and use a sales paper.  My boys will hopefully have enough shopping skills one day to avoid eating ramen noodles seven days a week while in college or living on their own.

kids-cooking-images5.  There is More to Cooking Than Just Boiling Water

If you are intelligent enough to figure out how to solve a video game and unlock all the secrets, you have more than enough brains to fry an egg, make pasta dishes and bake a boxed cake mix.  If nothing else women think men who cook are awesome, so maybe the promise of getting a girl will be motivation enough for them to embrace an apron.

6.  To Use a Condom…Every Single Time

I am not so stupid as to believe my boys will wear a promise ring and abstain from sex until their wedding day.  Teens have sex.  As much as the thought of my boys someday being ravaged by some sweet talking evil little hussy (yes that is an exaggeration done on purpose), teenage boys do a great deal of their thinking using there lower head and raging hormones.  I will supply him with box after box of condoms if he will just not make me a grandmother before he finishes high school…or college for that matter.

teen girl baby7.  Babies Have Become the New It Accessory

Girls these days seem to want babies.  Teen Mom and the celebrities gracing Us Weekly have made babies the latest accessory to have.  Girls seem to want babies like I want new shoes, and girls can be very manipulative.  I don’t care if she tells you she is on the pill, or completely infertile for whatever reason.  USE A CONDOM.  Plus, most venereal diseases are for life.

 8.  Call Me if You Get Fall Down Drunk

Just like sex, teens will drink alcohol at every available opportunity.  I know my friends and I sure did back in high school.  While I wish he wouldn’t get drunk at all it is more important to me that he gets home safe.  I won’t even yell at him the next day, but he will be responsible for cleaning any puke he gets in my car or the bathroom.

9.  Please Be a Gentleman

Too many kids today think nothing of watching crimes take place and recording it to upload to Facebook.  My boys will be told again and again, if you see someone in trouble, or a drunk girl about to be abused, instead of using your cell phone to record a video, use it to call for help.

What lessons do you want your boys to learn before they become men?


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  1. OMG!!! I just found this on Pinterest!! And can I just tell you….. these are exactly the same things I have been trying to teach my son for the last 15 years!!! And now that he is actually IN that hormone induced insanity they call the teen-aged years, I just hope he remembers.
    I used to make him watch Teen Mom with me all the time….. and he asked me one day “mom, why are these girls so stupid?” HA!!
    And I made sure to tell him “I don’t care what a girl tells you….ALWAYS wear a condom….cause girls LIE to get what they want!!”

  2. Glad to know I am not the only one who thinks this way. This post has been read a couple hundred times and you are the first one to confirm that I am not stark raving crazy.

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