Well, I have a confession to make. I am not a snarky, fuck you, in your face, wine guzzling bitch. I just play one on Facebook. Am I a mom? Oh yes. Do I work? Yep! Am I tired? All the freaking time. Do I drink wine? Certainly, just not every single night. I’d be a raging alcoholic too drunk to type if that were the case.
The only part of me that is a bit of a charade is the bitch part. Anyone who knows me knows that I am actually nice, generous, loving, and trusting to a fault. If you are my friend you will be my friend through thick and thin and I will give you unending trust. Yes, I have been burned from this philosophy several times, but I can’t seemed to learn my lesson because at the end of the day I want to believe people are good and aren’t out to get me.
I must admit though, there is a part of me that likes being a snarky bitch, so maybe that is why it is so easy to play one on Facebook and my Blog!
But today I don’t feel snarky, or bitchy. Today is a day for feeling angry. Not angry at one particular person, but just angry at the world…the universe…the unfairness that is life as we know it.
In a perfect world only evil, rotten, sons-of-bitches would get chronic, debilitating or deadly diseases. All pedophiles would get testicular cancer and their junk would fall off. All murderers would contract the most vicious and painful of diseases that resulted in them dying a slow and grisly death.
At the very least Wall Street bankers who swindle senior citizens out of their entire life savings would get uncontrollable herpes or something. Isn’t Karma supposed to be the ultimate bitch? Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of cosmic justice in the universe?
But what is the phrase we hear over and over about the people we know who are cruel, mean, and down right evil? “He/She is just too ornery to die.” It’s true. Most of the really cruel people I have known in my life have lived into their 80’s or 90’s and kept on being mean shits right till the very end. There is a relative on my husband’s side of the family who I swear will live to be a hundred and when she finally goes her own children will dance on her grave!
But Karma sometimes falls asleep and forgets to do her job. And illness and disease just don’t care who they pick on. I was 20 years old when I got the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was in terrible pain at the time and scared to death. I was told I either had RA or Lupus, since when you test positive for one you also test positive for the other. It took six months of tracking my symptoms to finally rule one way or the other.
Exactly what had I done by the age of 20 that was so bad I had earned a chronic disease to deal with for the rest of my life? Heck, at 20 I was still a virgin (seriously), had never tried drugs, had yet to even smoke a damn cigarette. I was a straight A college student just getting ready to take on the world. But the world decided to kick me in the ass.
For 22 years I have lived with pain. Most days I can ignore the pain and stop it from interfering with my day to day activities, but there are days when my body just shuts down on me and I have to accept the fact that I can’t just go, go, go. Every month I miss a day of work so I can sit in a chair and get my IV of Remicade. Every night I pop a handful of pills to keep the disease from progressing. But at the end of the day RA is not curable, just treatable.
There was a brief period of whining. “Why me, God?” But then I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and proceeded to live my life, get married, have babies, and be happy. I was not going to let my diagnosis ruin my life. I was going to live like it didn’t matter. Sure, there are a few things I can’t do, but so what. Maybe I didn’t want to do those things anyway. I chose happiness over anger. I chose love over regret. I have no desire to live like I’m dying.
So why then, am I angry at the universe today, you may ask? Today I learned that someone very sweet, very kind, a good friend and a good mother is sick. But she is strong and she will fight her battle and she will win I know. I believe this to be so. Still, it’s that damn Karma thing! Why do good people get sick? Why do innocents suffer? Why can any crack head or drug addict get pregnant yet people who would make wonderful parents struggle with infertility? Why is the world so unfair at times?
These are big questions that have been asked by people a hell of a lot wiser and older than me, yet I would really like a freaking answer. But since the universe refuses to tell me what I want to know, just for today I will pout. Just for today, I will have a pity party for one. Just for today I will be mad at the universe.
But tomorrow I will pick myself up and dust myself off, because life really is too short for living in anger. There are hugs that need to be given and kisses that need to be shared, and dreams that need to be fulfilled before our time here runs out and it is too late.